Sleeping is cheating

I’ve not had a proper nights sleep for 16 months.

Well I think its been 16 months.

I’ve lost track.

I should’ve done a tally by marking the tree wallpaper with a sharpie pen.

Every night without fail my baby wakes me up.

I’ve worked out on average. I roughly get about an hours sleep.

I’ve got work in the morning.

I’ll spend my day functioning on auto pilot.

Some days I don’t remember a thing about my shift.

I’ll start.

Then I’ll leave.

In between its all a blur.

She carries on giggling and laughing.

I could swear she’s goading me. 

I love my child. But for fucks sake go to sleep you little cunt

We live in a one bedroom flat.

In hindsight before me and my girlfriend even contemplated about having a sprog of our own we should’ve sold up and moved. 

I need this little fucker of joy to zip it and go to sleep.

The only way in which she will cease is if I grab her by her tiny leg, swing and smash her head against the wall until she no longer makes a noise.

Suppose I could smother her with the blanket that she has become accustomed to.

Or I could strap her in her pram and take her for a walk and leave her to freeze in the dead of night

There’s a full box of co-codamol somewhere.  That I bought because I’ve been suffering with a stiff neck. They help to take a slight fraction of the ache away.

By the way they’re for me the not my baby. I’m not a complete lunatic. 

Considering downing the entire box with a bottle of whisky. In the hope that my heart will stop beating from being submerged from this early hour cocktail.

I need sleep. I could sleep for days. No weeks. Scrap that months, years.

This is torture.

The only light at the end of this never ending tunnel is that of the morning Sun light that creeps through the vertical blinds.

This informs me that another night has passed. Once again without much sleep. And now she sleeps.

Why you should free yourself from your current job

 

Don’t quit, not straight away, don’t be a shitstick, not advocating that. Especially if you’ve a family to provide for, bills to pay, etc. If you’re a free spirit, then you can get your coat. But before you dash for the door, showing your boss the middle finger, and saying
“Fuck you, you tight arsed shit-cunt, I QUIT!”
Here’s some things you might want to consider.

Start Observing

Time; you should observe how much the job you’re doing is sapping up most of your energy and time, preventing you from doing the things in life you want or should be doing.

Happiness; don’t stay if the job you’re in, is emotionally dragging you down.

MONEY; always ask for more money don’t stay if the money is shit – know your worth. Ask for a rise. Remember, you have bills to pay, children and yourself to feed.

One way in which you could to ask, no screw that, demand – not petulantly, but seek for that rise, and also more perks. Get what you want to say to your employer, prepared and ready to go, and say it with some balls. Especially if you’ve been there for a while on the same wage. If they come back with some nonsensical excuse, such as there’s no money in the company, or times are hard, you say;
“No, shit!”

Don’t let them fleece you of your capital for their gain.

Still having doubts about leaving, maybe because;
“But… I have friends there…
Oh we have a laugh, proper great banter…
My boss is a nice person, i’d feel like I’m letting people down”.
Fuck em!
Look after number one – think of your own interests. Better yourself. Know your worth. You are more than just a number. Or of course, stay there trapped, stagnant and continuing to gather dust, living out the rest of your days, wasting away like part of the furniture. Its your choice.

Now, before you forget, in no typical order here’s the Three vital components;

TIME = You not only have more minutes but you will have more energy to do the shit you care about.

HAPPINESS = Happiness

MONEY = Show me the money

If these three ingredients aren’t tell signs or giving you the slightest of an incline that its time to royally fuck off or change your current situation. Then the only person getting exploited is you, and you’re doing it to yourself.

HANDLE YOUR SHIT

 

Your first responsibility as a parent is becoming aware of your own inner shit – you can achieve this by mindfulness.

Becoming more mindful will not only help you become aware of what you’re feeling, but you won’t act on these negative feelings that are constantly shoving you closer to the fucking edge.

Children have this ability to show us unresolved issues from our childhood. This will not only make you more patient, empathetic, compassionate not to mention selfless. But, it’ll push you to be the best parent you should be.

A child’s needs must come before their parents.

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TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR SHIT NOW!
For you, your family and child’s sake.
What happened in the past has been and gone, the emotional scars may still be there, however as long as you remain mindful, aware and stay in the moment with your child your unresolved baggage will be of no concern.
Allowing you to put all of your effort into becoming the best guide/coach/parent that your child truly deserves.