MUMMYS LITTLE TUGGER

Came home after a night out alone. With a half eaten Doner kebab that’s smells what I can only imagine could be slow roasted camel shit.
I can only assume that’s what slow roasted camel shit would smell like. Damn it tastes good tho.

Leaving every light on.
I ascend the stairs.
And after hitting every wall on the way up.
I finally get to my bedroom.

The half eaten kebab is placed on the windowsill for now.
I might come back to it later.

Discarding whatever game that was in the PlayStation 2.
Which gets thrown somewhere into the abyss of dirty and clean washing that covers up the carpet.

I insert the pirate copy DVD that was hidden on top of the wardrobe into the disc draw of the PlayStation 2.

The DVD is – Black in the ass 2.

I’ve watched this more times than I can recall.

I’ve always pondered if there is a first one.
I’ll find out tomorrow. 

Intoxicated is an understatement, however I still make sure the TV is on mute. Don’t want to wake up my parents.


At this moment in time, I’m steaming.
Had a few knock backs more than usual.
I did try to seduce the lovely ladies with my drunken charm.
Used my best chat up line as well:

“Well gorgeous, I’m here. What’s your other two wishes?”

That was only met with disapproval eye rolls with added false lashes.

Oh well. Nevermind.
Sitting at the edge of the bed.
Guess i’m signing out tonight with my trusty fist pump.

I attempt to beat myself to pleasure.
Although, the room is spinning rapidly like Dorothy’s house trapped inside the eye of the tornado.
Keep calm and beat on.

Putting all my drunken effort into reaching some arrival as the blonde in cow print ass-less spats rides the 12inch well endowed black pipe.

She shouts give it to me, give it to me.
That’s what I’m hearing as I lip read.

Losing stiffness from over doing it on the whiskey.
And the off putting smell of the kebab on the windowsill isn’t helping.

The smell worsens and starts knocking me sick.
Must soldier on.
Must carry on beating my one eyed hosepipe vigorously.

I pass out.


I’m awoken by the sun light creeping through the curtains, also there’s a reeking smell.
It’s of the now sun dried kebab that was left on the windowsill.
And to the sound of

“Cover yourself up son”

My Mother has found me.

I’m laying on the edge of the bed fully clothed but with my trousers around my ankles.
I struggled to get them off because I forgot to remove my shoes first.

I notice the television screen, its paused.
Its of the blonde cowgirl in the cow print ass-less spats.
Her whole face is covered in the black guys gunky spunk.

My mother notices the image of the creampied blonde.

Only to say:

“That reminds me. Will you go the shop, we need milk?”

Woke

There’s a mosquito in my room.
I can’t see it.
However I’m familiar with that sound that repeatedly whizzes passed my ear that resembles a shitty moped.

Another hour, I still can’t sleep.
Maybe if I roll onto my other side.

I refuse to look at the clock.
I don’t want to know how long I’ve been fighting to nod off for.

What now? As my head became light and my breath became deep, nextdoor neighbor’s dog starts howling.
Stupid pricks put a pillow over it.

Finally, I’m asleep.
I dream – 30 secs of dialogue before being disturbed by the shrilling sound of my alarm clock.

Best get up.