What Women (Dont) Want

Standing at the bus stop he waits in the rain for her.

After the break up he’s feeling as though hes been robbed – he wants his heart back that she tore out.

She gets off the bus. She see’s him. “What are you doing here again? I told you its over”

I wanted to see you. Can we talk?

“Its over. Move on, I have”

Let me walk you home

“No, leave me alone”

I fucking hate you, you bitch. Do you know what I’m going through?

Ignoring him, she walks off texting her new man.

Angry and upset. He waits for the bus to take his needy self home.

He’ll do it all again tomorrow.

No Drags Allowed

Spark up or not to spark up?
Smoking in pubs is a past time. Now I‘m not talking about having a suck on your vape – creating a smokey fruit mist when you exhale. No, I’m talking about proper smoking. The mist that you get from smoking a tobacco scented cancer stick. Smoking which eventually makes you cough up one of your lungs.

Good old days…

The room itself was filled with smoke that forever changed shape and direction as it made its way through and around the punters. The whole place engulfed by smog, as if  someone had set off a gas grenade.

At 16. Sitting in the local with my drinking buddy. The floor still sticky from yesterdays dried up vomit. We’d drunkenly mider the hours away and as we did, there would be a super king slowly burning down in the rest of the ashtray.

Smoking Ban Ruined the local!

A landlord named Hamish protested so that his regulars could keep smoking within his establishment. However, this was met with the law coming down hard on this Pro Smoking activist.

Health dogmatic freaks and the government ruined what was once a place of sanctuary.
Had an argument with your other half?
PUB!
Fancy a quick one?
PUB!

Got bills to pay? Fuck’em, PUB!
Once the smoking ban took over. And punters were only permitted to smoke outside or in designated smoking areas. It royally fucked the Pub culture.
It was soon replaced by this eatery chain bollocks. pseudo Gin bars and micro pubs for the alcohol know-it-all enthusiasts.

I say bring back smoking inside Pubs!!

But proper smoking, cool smoke; smoke that’s produced from a coffin dodging old timers tobacco pipe.

Smoke that’s from a cigar, that’s resembles E.T’s glowing finger.

Smoke that’s coming from the last strained drags left before the butt.
And if there’s people who are health conscious, then its simple.

Do Not Enter.
Go to your cigarette free, fruity vape pseudo places.
But Leave the local alone.

WANKER AT WORK

As I arrive to work he’s there. Standing like a Superhero. With a creepy, fucking annoying smile that only someone of his shitheadedness could possess.

Only instead of Clark Kent, its Clark Kunt and he’s come to ruin the fucking day.

As I enter he makes some stupid remark;

“Oh, ur in are ya”

I mutter cunt under my breath.

He always arrives to work extra-anally-early. Its so he can be the first one there to open up the place. Its his A-Word quirk.

Once entered he switches the lights on and deactivates the alarm system. He tells me he can have all of this done under 5 seconds.

Before I’ve even hung up my jacket. He’s bothering me.

Hovering around like a fly trying to find a place to land.

Invading my personal space with his breath that reeks of the owners arse.

More people arrive to get on with the job at hand. They also receive the same annoying welcome.

I don’t choose to be here. But dreams don’t pay the bills.

The pay is dogshit and I loathe the public. Having to put on a fake polite performance all day is tiresome. The customers sap my mental capital – although I’ve learnt to tolerate them. I call this – coming to work meditation.

I’m trying to enjoy a cup of coffee, and low and behold, he’s there again.

Popping up like whack a-mole. If only I could find the rubber mallet.

Continuously informing me of the benefits of Camomile tea. I DONT CARE! He carries on regardless.

Afternoon. Lunch Time.

I’m eating. He comes in and also starts to eat.

He begins to start talking with a mouth full of chewed up chicken. God only knows what he’s saying. It’s inaudible. Talking about his hobbies maybe.

Could be some new innate knowledge that for some reason, he thinks he has to share. Whatever it is, it’s probably pointless dribble.

He persists.

With every bite he snorts. Resembling a hungry tramp who’s wolfing down lukewarm chips that they’ve found from out of a steel litter bin.

I spend the remainder of the day trying to avoid him wherever I can just to run down the remaining hours.

Work Finishes. Finally. Another day, Another dollar.

We all leave. I head off. Got a bus to catch.

See ya later.

I walk towards the busy rush hour road. Traffic whizzing past in both directions. I need to cross over, so I can catch the bus that takes me the fuck home.

Finally, there’s a break in the mad- mundane – everyone – darting home – so – they – don’t – miss – an – episode – of – Eggheads – traffic.

I take one step.

It hits me. A speeding car not an epiphany.

Crashing into me, I get knocked off my feet and tossed into the middle of the road.

I hit the floor. Now don’t get me wrong the pain is fucking excruciating.

Paralysed I’m lying in the road. I hear commotion from the driver.

“He just stepped out, I didn’t see him, is he okay????”

As I lie there I begin to see a light, and its more than likely from the headlights from the car that has tore me a new one. Every part of me is motionless.

Like speckles of rain that land on a car windshield the darkness gradually starts to disrupt my vision.

Its here, the final curtain. My time is up. Death has arrived and it came in the form a Nissan Micra.

Numbness comes to the grand finale. I feel the last beat of my pulsating heart. As the air leaves my body I deflate like a broken bouncy castle.

I hear a voice. Could it be God himself? No.

It’s Clark Kunt;

“I don’t think he’ll be in tomorrow”

Gonna be happy here

After a long exhausting week of toing and froing – moving our old shit from where we once rented, into the van we hired to bring it to our new humble abode. Finally we’re in.

No more landlords. Thank fuck. We’re technically the landlords – homeowners. Well, once we’ve payed off the mortgage – only 30years.

I’m sitting with the dog on my lap next to the good lady.

Sat on the recently bought secondhand chesterfield – she enjoys her morning coffee and cigarette.

We both gaze out through the open french doors at our back garden and watch the different types of birds descend onto the grass that is still wet from the morning dew.

She looks at me. I’m sat here with a grin on my face. When asked what I’m grinning for. I reply with;

Gonna be happy here.

Non parents are annoying

Non Parents AKA your parents, siblings or close friends.

Most of the time they seem to get more attention from your child than you will.

When Tilly and my good lady got to know one another and began interacting. Not gonna lie, I was proper pissed not to mention jealous.

Once I took a step back and observed both of the loves of my life interacting, playing, painting or whatever games they conjured up. Even though im left on the side line with a sulk on. It melted this shabby heart of mine.

There’s a reason why Tilly see’s my good lady as a better alternative when we’re all present. Its because a light bulb moment has occurred in Tilly’s 5 year old brain. She sees my good lady not as second mother, but as an ally. When the two of them are together, Tilly feels safer in numbers, and becomes more mischievous – not in a little shite kinda way although she now sees this as an opportunity to gang up on ole Daddy-o, because in her mind i’m now outnumbered.

Your child isn’t after replacing you,

or maybe they’re…

Whether it be Aunties, Uncles, Grandparents, friends of the family, etc. Non parents are a vital part in a child’s life. Not only for the interaction. But also they can give Mum/Dad a chance to break off for five minutes to regain focus, take a deep breath, grab a quick caffeine fix, do some chores or even sneak off for a hard drag on a nicotine stick – remember go down the bottom of the garden at all times think of the kiddies lungs.

When your child is interacting with the individuals who are present at that time. They are not only after some sort of stimulus and to make new allies, but to learn and play without the need for discipline from their MA and PA.

Remember non parents aren’t the ones for setting the bar for rule and regulations and how to act accordingly.

That’s not their role. When you’re a parent that’s your responsibility.

Non parents are your child’s new companion, their new plaything, the new must have. And with knowing and understanding this. I no longer feel the need to feel jealous or feel as if i’m being pushed out of the picture, I always know I can get involved and can play too. But while they are busy I’m gonna pour myself another coffee.

HUG A HULK

Is your child acting up?

Are you about to lose your shite?

If so

Be the bigger person.

Be kind,

And

Remain being the adult in the situation at all times.

First things first;

NO SPANKING

NO SHOUTING

Be cool and in control for most of the time anyway.

(I say most, because somedays we lose our shit, that’s okay, we are only chimps after all)

Why though?

If shit hits the fan with you and your child, which it will. They will test you beyond belief.

And if you lose your cool – the road to recovery can be a long journey to get back to the main road. So stay neutral.

Your child needs someone who they can come to when feelings beyond there comprehension are abundant.

HUG A HULK

For those who don’t know who the Hulk is, firstly where have you been hiding? Have you been locked away in the basement or living the Amish way of life?

The Hulk, scientist Dr. Bruce Banner is an all round nice chap.

However, as soon as Banner becomes a little aggravated, a red mist descends upon this passive fellow and he transcends into one giant green meathead son of a bitch.

Your child is just like Banner.

Like Banner who’s superpower is fuelled by his uncontrollable rage.

Your lil legs will be happy until their uncontrollable laying dormant feelings erupt.

So how can we help?

Whilst being empathetic hug your over emotional Hulk.

Show your child that you love them, it doesnt have to be in some tree hugging hippy fucktarded way.

This will convey to your lil amigo that not only do you give a shit, but you’re their anchor in this chaotic fucked thing we call life.

After all you’re their safe space. Their light house to help navigate them and to keep them on track.

If you don’t help them, not only to become social, mannered and masters of their own feelings, then they will only turn into feral meanders.

Silly Nacho State; isn’t just a destination but a state of being

S I l l y N a c h o L e g s

A s h l e y C o l L I N g S

It’s no secret, Silly Nacho Legs is the anagram of my name

So what am I about?

I’m a little black women in a big silver box! Since I can remember, I’ve dabbled in this spirituality quest, thingy. However, last year, I had me own Brexit if you like. I decided to make changes in how my life was going. Now I didn’t quit my job, call my boss a shithead and fly east to find myself. I decided to stay put and fight my inner demons, on my homeland. I became an IFF; Inner Freedom Fighter. Also the proud owner and founder of the Silly Nacho State.

The mission

Self development;

How to become the best you can be, but in laymen’s terms.

Parenting advice;

To be the best parent you should be – raise your child through coaching, not dictatorship.

Maybe some fashion advice along the way.

Silly Nacho State;

isn’t just a destination

but a state of being