The end is Nigh

What if?

The dead souls of the Egyptians have possessed the people of the UK.

Telling them to accumulate toilet roll.
So that they can return in a mummified fashion.

When the apocalypse occurs there’s going to be people wrapped in toilet paper looking like mummies chasing us instead of zombies.

Just a thought.

MUMMYS LITTLE TUGGER

Came home after a night out alone. With a half eaten Doner kebab that’s smells what I can only imagine could be slow roasted camel shit.
I can only assume that’s what slow roasted camel shit would smell like. Damn it tastes good tho.

Leaving every light on.
I ascend the stairs.
And after hitting every wall on the way up.
I finally get to my bedroom.

The half eaten kebab is placed on the windowsill for now.
I might come back to it later.

Discarding whatever game that was in the PlayStation 2.
Which gets thrown somewhere into the abyss of dirty and clean washing that covers up the carpet.

I insert the pirate copy DVD that was hidden on top of the wardrobe into the disc draw of the PlayStation 2.

The DVD is – Black in the ass 2.

I’ve watched this more times than I can recall.

I’ve always pondered if there is a first one.
I’ll find out tomorrow. 

Intoxicated is an understatement, however I still make sure the TV is on mute. Don’t want to wake up my parents.


At this moment in time, I’m steaming.
Had a few knock backs more than usual.
I did try to seduce the lovely ladies with my drunken charm.
Used my best chat up line as well:

“Well gorgeous, I’m here. What’s your other two wishes?”

That was only met with disapproval eye rolls with added false lashes.

Oh well. Nevermind.
Sitting at the edge of the bed.
Guess i’m signing out tonight with my trusty fist pump.

I attempt to beat myself to pleasure.
Although, the room is spinning rapidly like Dorothy’s house trapped inside the eye of the tornado.
Keep calm and beat on.

Putting all my drunken effort into reaching some arrival as the blonde in cow print ass-less spats rides the 12inch well endowed black pipe.

She shouts give it to me, give it to me.
That’s what I’m hearing as I lip read.

Losing stiffness from over doing it on the whiskey.
And the off putting smell of the kebab on the windowsill isn’t helping.

The smell worsens and starts knocking me sick.
Must soldier on.
Must carry on beating my one eyed hosepipe vigorously.

I pass out.


I’m awoken by the sun light creeping through the curtains, also there’s a reeking smell.
It’s of the now sun dried kebab that was left on the windowsill.
And to the sound of

“Cover yourself up son”

My Mother has found me.

I’m laying on the edge of the bed fully clothed but with my trousers around my ankles.
I struggled to get them off because I forgot to remove my shoes first.

I notice the television screen, its paused.
Its of the blonde cowgirl in the cow print ass-less spats.
Her whole face is covered in the black guys gunky spunk.

My mother notices the image of the creampied blonde.

Only to say:

“That reminds me. Will you go the shop, we need milk?”

Fill me up Daddy

Gently, and slowly you put it in her.

All the way down to the base. 

Until its fully inserted.

Seductively she orders you: 

“Fill me up Daddy

So you do.

You pump her good.

You fill her up to the brim. 

As you pull out. 

You shake and tap your pipe against the rim of her opening until there’s no droplets left. 

The smell is orgasmic.

There’s no sweeter smell.

Especially when it’s first thing before the rush hour traffic.

You screw the cap on tight. 

You need to go and pay.

You grab yourself a bottle of water and a snickers

The gas station assistant asks

“Any petrol today?”

You reply smug

It’s a diesel

She doesnt find it funny

Screw electric powered cars the tree huggers can keep them.

Screw the planet

If it ain’t fossil it ain’t shit.

Not So Much Fight Club

Wednesday night is when I go boxing.

I only started a few weeks ago.
Depending on who turns up the class is usually eight men.

Not being the confrontational type I’d thought I’d give it ago.

At first, it was to learn how to throw a punch or two.

There’s also a circuit session – If I don’t succeed in becoming the next Rocky perhaps I can get my corpulent physique into shape.

My hands wrapped.
Gloves on.
We start with some basic combos to get us warmed up.
We pair up and do three for three minute rounds.

Someone holds the pads as the other person punches.

Once we’ve had our turn punching and holding the pads, we have a short break. 

Its time for sparring.

I grab a quick drink and wait nervously until its my turn.
Me and the rest observe as the first two go head to head.

“Time!” the coach says.
“You two next” he adds, as he points to me and another.

It’s our turn.
We touch gloves.
We begin.

A quick one two I cut through his guard and catch his left eye.

With an uppercut and then with a left hook I catch him again.

I’m getting good at this.
I’m moving around like a pro, or so I think.

This time I throw a left jab.

He ducks, moves under my left arm only to hit me in the stomach with a left and then follow up with a right punch to my side.

That hurt.

I try to throw a left hook he dodges it.
I throw a jab he dodges it that too.
With my amateur style, my guard is low he takes advantage – I feel his glove firmly squish my nose.

Fuck.

I thought this was a light spar.

Maybe my mother was right when she said all those years ago:

“You don’t wanna go boxing, come and help me finish bake this cake”

Trying to land a punch.
I swing like an angry ape.
I can tell he’s been boxing for years, probably since he was in his mothers baby box.
I get hit a few more times.
This isn’t fight club – I don’t feel any higher consciousness from the pain and exhaustion.

Trying to catch my breath I whimsically carry on.

“TIME!” The coach shouts.

Well done my opponent says.
I don’t know if he’s being facetious, sarcastic or sincere.
I don’t care.
I’m still breathing through my arse flaps.